I’m not gonna sugar-coat this (as if I have been this whole time): This was the worst chapter of any book that I have ever read in my entire life. Period. And I’m almost positive that it isn’t going to hold that title for very long. I have a few predictions about where this story is headed and they’re all pretty bad. I know I said I was going to start doing double reviews, but I just couldn’t do another chapter after this one, so this is only a review of chapter 4. I’ll do double reviews whenever I can, though, so you’ll definitely start seeing them more frequently. Alright, let’s get this over with. Continue reading
Hey guys. I think that starting from here, each review will cover two chapters. They’ll be longer and may not get put out as quick, but two chapters a day means I’ll get through this thing twice as fast. And while you may be enjoying yourselves, I want this over. So, these chapters were…special. Chapter 2 actually wasn’t so bad. Pointless, but not bad. Chapter 3, though. Boy was that something, as you will see shortly. Bella manages to become even more pathetic and even less sympathetic. I’ll bet you didn’t think that was possible, did you? Well just you wait.
Twilight review, chapter 2/3: Stitches/The End
So if you’ll recall, chapter one involved Bella bitching nonstop about how terrible it is to have everyone want to make her birthday special. The Cullens threw her a party, she got a papercut, and all hell broke loose. When last we left her, her arm was gashed and bleeding (because Edward protected her by throwing her across a table) and she was staring up into the eyes of “six suddenly ravenous vampires.” As it turns out, that’s not even remotely the case. This was Meyer shamelessly begging the reader to turn the page and find out what happens next. Continue reading
I was unprepared for how much worse New Moon would be than Twilight in just the first chapter alone. I know you warned me and I did believe you, but now I understand you. This is gonna be a long book, guys. And I am not looking forward to the journey. Ugh.
New Moon review, chapter 1: Party
I’d like to take a brief moment to touch on the preface before I move onto the chapter itself. True to form, Meyer spoils her own story right there, showing a snippet of Bella running through a crowd trying to get to Edward before he can do something. It’s bright and sunny, so I can only assume he’s going to step out into the sunlight and reveal himself as a vampire in front of hundreds of people. I don’t know why, but I’m sure it’s very, very stupid and vain and not romantic at all. And if you pair the preface up with a not-so-subtle throw-away line from later in the chapter (that was so heavy-handed that I think it gave me a concussion), it’s pretty clear what the scene is. Hell, I’m going to make a prediction right now, after having only read the first chapter. Edward is going to think Bella is dead (because Meyer thinks she’s being clever by copying Romeo and Juliet). He’s going to go to Italy and attempt to provoke the Volturi (the vampire mafia) into killing him by stepping out into the sun and revealing the existence of vampires. That is my prediction based solely on the preface and first chapter (but don’t tell me if I’m right!). I’d love to be wrong, but Meyer is such a terrible writer and loves to tell you exactly what’s going to happen long before it happens (Jacob turned into a wolf in Bella’s dream, remember?) and so I’m fairly confident that my prediction is more right than wrong. Continue reading
I was warned; I can’t claim otherwise. You guys told me that New Moon would be worse than Twilight. I believed you, but I didn’t understand. Twilight is so terrible, I couldn’t comprehend another book being as bad, let alone worse. But now, I can. In just twenty-nine pages of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer has written a worse book than all 498 pages of Twilight. This first chapter made me cringe and roll my eyes and scoff and all the other things that Twilight did, but it also made me angry, much angrier than anything in Twilight had. I have nearly four pages of notes on this chapter, enough for a lengthy review. And you’ll get it, I promise. But I feel I need to write something separate from the review first. Continue reading
Hey, everybody! Welcome to What the F*@# Am I Reading?! I appreciate those loyal minions who came across from my old blog and hope I can continue entertaining you all. To the new minions, welcome aboard! I’ve just finished Twilight (alright, as of writing this, I’m not done yet, but I will have by the time anyone reads this) and I’m starting New Moon. I expect things to only get worse from here, so pull up a seat and watch the meltdown! If you’re new here, be sure to check out my archive (there’s a link at the top of the page) and catch up on my Twilight review.