The Madness Continues, New Moon Review 9/10

I didn’t set out to cover two chapters with this review, but chapter 9 was just so completely pointless other than to provide some completely unnecessary foreshadowing that it didn’t warrant its own review. So I tacked chapter 10 onto it. You can imagine how excited I was. These were some fun chapters, you guys. Prepare yourselves to somehow hate Bella Swan even more than you already do.

New Moon review, chapter 9/10: Third Wheel/The Meadow

Before I really get into the meat of this review, I just want to make it clear that I hate this book. I hate this book so much and I know it will only get worse and worse and worse. I’d like to take this opportunity to use Game of Thrones GIFs to express how I feel. These are all examples of people having a better day than I am.

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So chapter nine begins with Bella happily narrating about how not miserable she is now that she’s hanging out with Jacob. She then describes herself as a lost moon whose planet had been destroyed, leaving her to continue orbiting the spot where the planet had once been, completely ignoring the laws of physics. The implications here are nowhere near new, but they’re still noteworthy.

If Bella is the moon, that would make Edward the planet. That’s obvious enough. But what’s perhaps less obvious is what Meyer’s really saying here. What is a moon? It’s any rocky body that finds itself in stable orbit around a larger celestial body (not limited to just planets as asteroids have also been shown to capture moons). This makes the moon entirely dependent on the host world for its very existence. Without a planet, what is a moon? It’s just another piece of space debris. A moon’s whole identity is reliant upon something to orbit. With Edward gone, Bella has no identity. She is nothing. Edward gave her existence meaning. This is a theme that has been repeated over and over again and it’s one of the more dangerous themes of this series. No one’s identity is dependent upon another person. Ever. And if you feel as though it’s someone else who gives you legitimacy as a person, you’re not in a healthy relationship.

I genuinely don’t understand the recurring theme of Bella having zero self-worth. I mean, I hate her, so I think she’s a worthless piece of crap. But that’s really not her fault. She’s a fictional character. The fault lies with her creator. Why does Stephenie Meyer insist upon portraying her supposedly strong female lead as a quaking, quivering ball of self-loathing who doesn’t think she has any purpose in life except to be with Edward, and without him, she has no worth? I’ll answer that question on her behalf. Stephenie Meyer believes that women are incomplete without men in their lives. It’s literally that simple. Without a man, a woman is just a lost little moon. You’ll see later in the review how Bella is still wracked with pain and nightmares and panic attacks months after breaking up with Edward. I’m positive Meyer would deny all of this, but the truth about a person leaks out in their writing and this series reeks of misogyny and sexism.

Moving on, we find out that Bella has been improving on the bike and has apparently stopped crashing into trees. Under normal circumstances and for normal people, this would be something to rejoice over, to celebrate, to be proud of. But as we all know by this point, Bella is not normal. Bella is a needy, neurotic, dangerously obsessive person and becoming more skilled on her bike is the exact last thing she wants because it means the danger factor is all but gone. And that means she no longer hallucinates Edward’s voice in her head.

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Jacob shows up on one of their homework days and gives her a cheesy box of conversation hearts for Valentine’s Day and Bella is naturally confused because SHE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS VALENTINE’S DAY. This harkens back to her forgetting it was prom in the first book. What high school student—not even high school girl, just student attending high school—doesn’t know that Valentine’s Day is coming weeks in advance? There are candygrams, decorations, usually a dance or school event. There’s a build up that’s impossible to ignore whether you’ve got a partner or not. I hate it so much when Meyer pull this shit and makes Bella supernatural levels of oblivious to things.

They decide to go hiking the next day instead of messing around more on the bikes and Bella mentions that she’s beginning to believe that she imagined that clearing in the woods since they have yet to find it. And then she “frowned into space.” I suppose that’s like staring into space only…frowning?

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Evidently, Bella thinks Jacob is becoming too sweet on her. What could have possibly given him the wrong impression? She only wants to see him every single waking hour of every day and told him he’s beautiful. I know, I’m as stumped as you. But regardless, she think it and so is looking for ways to knock him back a few pegs and put him in his place. He’s basically just the help to her, I think. Can’t have him thinking he’s got a chance with her. So she makes up some bullshit story about going to the movies with friends when he tries to set a date for their next biking session. I guess it’s cool if she makes the plans but if he does, he’s getting to familiar? I honestly don’t know her logic.

Jacob gives her the sad puppy dog face (HA!) and Bella quickly asks him to come along, too. Because she’s so stupid she can’t even carry out her own plan right. But now her gears are spinning and she’s turning this to her advantage. She’s decided to use Jacob as a buffer against Mike, who is still after Bella to date him. So basically, Jacob is Bella’s Swiss Army knife. She just keeps finding new uses for him left and right.

The next day at school, Bella sets everything up, asking Mike if he wants to gather a group and go to the movies. Bella’s narration lets us know that the film she chose, Crossfire, was well-researched ahead of time to make sure there weren’t any romance scenes in it. Because she’s fragile. Remember how she lost it when there were like thirty seconds of a couple in that zombie movie? I feel I should point out that it’s my understanding that she and Jacob have been hanging out for at least a month at this point, maybe more. It’s gotta be closing in on six months since Edward dumped her like a prom baby and she’s still just a raw nerve. Ugh.

Friday rolls around and nothing really went to plan. Everyone except Mike and Jacob had to back out of the movie. Awesome. Bella introduces them and naturally, Jacob has to pull that clichéd macho crap where he shows how strong he is by squeezing Mike’s hand until it hurts. I’ll never understand that testosterone-fueled urge to exert your male dominance over other guys. It’s so stupid. But I suppose in this case, it’s meant to be foreshadowing. Coz Jacob is a werewolf, remember? Worst-kept secret of the whole goddamn book.

They pile into Jacob’s car and then it’s Mike’s turn to be an ass. He acts like an obnoxious child the entire ride to the movies. He’s making faces and annoying comments and leaning in close to Bella from the back seat. I swear, every secondary character in this series is just a cardboard cutout. Meyer picks a stereotype or a cluster of stereotypes and gives it a name and calls it a character. There’s no real reason for Mike to be acting this way. And sadly, this is the most characterization he’s ever gotten so far.

They get to the theater and we find out that, evidently, Bella hadn’t actually intended to watch the movie. No, this was just another of her distractions or manipulations or whatever. She actually just meant to stare at the screen and watch the shapes, not actually pay attention to what was going on.

I got nothin

Yeah, I got nothin’. As much as I’d like to think I’m used to Meyer’s stupid shit like that, I’m not.

So as she’s watching (or not really watching) the film, she notices that Jacob is laughing at it because it’s so absurdly violent as to be stupid. This is classic Meyer shining through because she’s admitted to never having seen any movies like that at all, so her only hope of describing an action movie is to go to the extremes, making it as over-the-top as she can. Whatever. That’s neither here nor there. The point here is that Bella starts to relax a bit and enjoy the film with Jacob. Which is, of course, a very bad thing.

“How was I going to fight the blurring lines in our relationship when I enjoyed being with him so much?”

Well…you could always acknowledge that you like him and just go with it. Or you could welcome yourself to the 21st century and realize that you can enjoy spending time with a member of the opposite sex without feeling obligated to date them.

A while into the movie, Mike gets ill and has to run to the bathroom, puking his guts out. And being the big macho man he is, Jacob makes fun of him for it, thinking it had to do with the movie being so gory (spoiler alert: it didn’t).

“What a marshmallow. You should hold out for someone with a stronger stomach. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit.”

First, let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is an actual quote said by and actual character in an actual book in a wildly successful series. And it wasn’t said in a cheesy voice, either. He wasn’t making a joke. That’s just how he talks. WOW. Meyer, you are the hackiest hack that ever hacked.

Second, no, Jacob! Stop being a douche! Yes, this is just terrible foreshadowing that you’re about to be a werewolf and so you’re acting wolfish but cut it out! Mike isn’t a date. Neither of you are dates. Therefore, Bella hasn’t chosen anyone, which means she doesn’t have to “hold out” for anyone. He’s just a friend (and I use that term loosely because Bella is an asshole who has no real friends), you jackass. Stop making me not like you! You’re the only bright spot on this whole wretched series!

“Jake,” I protested, leaning away. He dropped his arm, not looking bothered at all by the minor rejection. He reached out and took my hand firmly, wrapping his other hand around my wrist when I tried to pull away again.”

Jacob, what are you doing? Jacob, STAHP. God, Meyer, what the fuck is wrong with you that you keep having your male leads strong-arming Bella? Why are you making them all so rapey? Jacob still isn’t as bad as Edward, but c’mon! He was so nice and sweet before! Again, yes, I get that this newfound confidence (Meyer’s word, not mine) is meant to be in conjunction with his becoming a werewolf. I get that. But it’s still disturbing that Meyer equates physical dominance with confidence. She could have made Jacob more confident without having him try to use his strength and size to dominate Bella.

“Just don’t expect more,” I warned him, trying to pull my hand away. He held onto it obstinately.

“This doesn’t really bother you, does it?” he demanded, squeezing my fingers.

“No,” I sighed. Truthfully, it felt nice.”

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Yeah, Bella has some fucking issues. Jacob is forcing himself on her, ignoring her attempts to pull away, then pulls the incredibly douchey “you actually like this, don’t you?” move. AND SHE SAYS YES. Because she’s just a weak little girl who needs a big strong man lording over her. UGH!

With Mike sick with the stomach flu that’s been going around (and was the reason several other people couldn’t make it), the three decide to call it a night and drive home. Bella notes than Jacob feels physically hot to the touch and asks if he’s got a fever. He says that he doesn’t feel all that well, not sick but off. Again, Meyer is caking on the foreshadowing like she’s icing a goddamn cake with one of those slime blaster things from the second Ghostbusters movie.

They drop Mike off and head to Bella’s and Jacob makes up for being a dick earlier, more or less. He says there’s something he wants to tell her and then he tells her this:

“It’s just that, I know you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”

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Wow. This is in stark contrast to EVERYTHING EDWARD HAS SAID EVER. Edward has never expressed concern over Bella’s happiness, merely her physical wellbeing. Jacob is capable of recognizing when Bella is upset or unhappy and he wants to help her fix that. What a fucking concept. Instead of going over all the reasons everything is her fault or yelling at her or telling her he’d love nothing more than to kill her and drink her blood, Jacob takes a different path, that of the concerned friend. Macho bullshit aside (which can honestly be chalked up to him being a 16-year-old boy and the fact that it’s that time of the month), Jacob is exceptionally sweet to Bella and really shows how much he cares for her. He pours his heart out to her and promises to never hurt her, something Edward could never do. Edward has caused Bella nothing but pain and Jacob, by Bella’s own admission, has only ever made her feel good about herself. Hell, he’s literally the only thing that makes her feel not like a black hole of sorrow.

Jacob embodies every positive quality that Edward lacks. He’s kind, he’s gentle, he’s respectful, he’s caring, he’s not (usually) possessive or domineering despite his fairly massive size. He is superior to Edward in every single aspect that matters. And that confuses the hell out of me. In this scenario, Jacob is supposed to be the bad guy, the competition. We, the readers, are supposed to be rooting for Edward and Bella. We’re supposed to think that their romance was written in the stars, that they are perfect for each other, that Edward is her one and only. The problem with that is that Meyer has done a fantastic job of portraying Jacob as the obvious preferable choice between the two. He’s sweet, he’s charming, he’s sensitive, he’s awkward in an endearing way. Edward is cold, obsessive, prone to angry outbursts, physically and mentally abusive. They’re complete polar opposites in every way, even in physical attributes. Jacob is large, he’s physically hot to the touch, he has dark skin. Edward is of normal stature, pale, and cold to the touch. Why would Meyer give Jacob so many positive attributes if we’re not meant to root for him? Personally, I think it’s because, in her twisted mind, those are not attractive attributes. I think Meyer thinks Edward is the epitome of what it means to be attractive. She glorifies male domination, submissive women, and archaic gender roles. Someone like Jacob would be dangerous to someone like Meyer. Jacob introduces concepts such as female empowerment and equality. Edward will only ever view Bella as weak and inferior. I don’t see Jacob ever seeing Bella as anything but an equal.

Okay, so getting back on track, Jacob says he’s not feeling well and rushes home. Bella is worried when he doesn’t call her after he gets home so she calls him. Billy answers and tells her that Jacob made it home but he’s too sick to come to the phone. Something about his tone is suspicious to Bella but she doesn’t press the subject. Obviously, Jacob is going through his first transformation, or at least is nearing it.

Everything that Jacob told her really freaked her out. She goes on this bullshit rant about how she wished Jacob were her flesh-and-blood brother because that would make it easier to deny her feelings for him, because then it would be incest and it would be wrong. It’s completely absurd. Instead of just allowing herself to like the guy who is good for her in every possible way, she wishes that they were siblings. This chick needs some serious help. She goes on to say:

But I needed Jacob now, needed him like a drug.”

Bravo, Meyer. Bravo. If you’ll remember back a few reviews, I pointed out that Meyer was treating Bella like an addict and Jacob like her dealer in an attempt to cast a negative light on their relationship (when really, it was Bella who was fucked up, not their relationship). Here, Meyer drops all pretense and comes right out with it, calling Jacob a drug outright. In the exact same way that Meyer told us that Edward loved Bella without showing us a single shred of evidence to back that claim up, she’s telling us that Jacob is bad for Bella without showing us anything but the contrary. I really don’t know why this woman is allowed to publish books, guys, because she’s seriously the worst writer in history.

So as it happens, Bella caught the stomach bug, too, and in true Meyer fashion, it’s treated like a plague of biblical proportions. Bella literally does nothing but sleep on the bathroom floor for a full day. It’s really just stupidly exaggerated, but what else is new? She hears that Mike has recovered, so she knows she’ll be better soon thereafter. Once she’s recovered, she calls Jacob to see how he’s doing. He’s worse. Because he doesn’t have the flu, he’s a goddamn werewolf. I really don’t know why Meyer has stretched this werewolf thing out so long. It’s the worst-kept secret of the series. It was made painfully obvious in the LAST book that Jacob would be a werewolf. And it has been foreshadowed every three pages since then. It’s really annoying at this point, but I guess this is how Meyer builds drama.

The chapter ends with Bella telling Jake to call her once he’s better and Jacob whispering Bella’s name instead of saying goodbye. Meyer loves to have her characters do these sorts of random things that I don’t understand. Who answers “Goodbye” with the other person’s name? Why are these words in a published manuscript? And why the fuck am I reading them?

Alright, now we hit chapter 10 and Bella becomes even more insufferable. Don’t believe that’s possible? Read chapter 10 for yourself. I triple dog dare you.

This chapter starts with Bella freaking the fuck out because Jacob hasn’t called her. In fact, the first three words of the chapter are, “Jacob didn’t call.” So she called him. Billy told her that Jacob was sick in bed, so Bella took it upon herself to ask if he’d taken him to the doctor. As if it’s any of her fucking business. But that’s not all. She then proceeds to call SEVERAL TIMES A DAY FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS. At this point, Billy has flat out stopped answering the phone because this bitch has lost her mind and won’t stop harassing him. But she doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. Next she goes to the Black’s house, “invitation be damned.” And when no one was there, SHE STOPPED BY THE HOSPITAL ON THE WAY HOME. Basically, she’s fucking stalking Jacob. She wasn’t even this invasive with Edward. Bella has serious issues. She’s obsessive and co-dependent to a staggering degree.

She finally finds out from Charlie, who heard from Harry Clearwater, that Jacob supposedly has mono and can’t have visitors. There’s another awkward Internet search where she looks up mono (except that Meyer had her very deliberately type out “mononucleosis” in an attempt to make herself look smart) and starts poking holes in Billy’s story. Because she’s fucking creepy that way. She can’t just accept what people tell her. She finds out that mono can take a month to run its course and decides that Billy can’t possibly enforce the no-visitor policy that long, so she gives him a week. I’m serious.

“I’d give Billy a week, I decided, before I got pushy. A week was generous.”

Where the fuck does Bella get off deciding that she can just do whatever the hell she wants? Jacob is a minor under his father’s care. If Billy says no visitors, then no fucking visitors. Bella has no respect for anyone else’s authority. She does whatever she wants because in her world, she is the center of the universe and her needs come before anyone and everyone else’s. It’s all because she’s afraid of not being able to see Jacob for any length of time. She said that the prospect of being separated from him for so long actually makes her nervous.

“A week was long. By Wednesday, I was sure I wasn’t going to live till Saturday.”

Why the fuck does Meyer always have Bella exaggerating everything beyond any rational restrictions? Edward leaving her was the worst thing imaginable, Edward leaving her was like a planet being destroyed and leaving its moon aimless behind, not being able to see Jacob for a week WOULD KILL HER. These are the thought processes of a deeply delusional person. Sometimes I feel like Meyer forgets that Bella is 18 because she writes her as if Bella were 13 or 14. Everything is the end of the world with Bella. It’s not just annoying, it’s tiresome. It’s exhausting to read about. I’m just so sick of every little thing in Bella’s life being the worst thing anyone has ever experienced in the history of the universe.

As the days go by without Jacob, Bella actually starts to go through physical withdrawal. No, I’m not shitting you. She’s started having the nightmares again and screams herself awake every morning and that ridiculous hole analogy is back.

“The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I’d thought that I’d been getting it under control, but I found myself hunched over, day after day, clutching my sides together and gasping for air.”

Glee-Loser

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? GET A GRIP! At this point, Edward tossed you away like maggoty bread like six months ago. Your life is better in every way than it was when you were with him. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

After the week is up, she calls Billy only to find out that Jacob is better and out with friends. She’s understandably annoyed that he didn’t call her, but then she takes it to her own special level of crazy. She’s upset that their week apart didn’t have the same effect on him as it did on her. She’s upset that he didn’t turn into a raving lunatic because they spent a week apart. Seriously. Maybe because he’s not a fucking basket case like you are, Bella! Listen, I haven’t seen my best friend in something like 21 months. It sucks, but Jesus Christ, Bella. I don’t scratch up the furniture like a neurotic Chihuahua left alone while you go to work.

This next part really serves to remind you how big of an asshole Bella is, just in case you’ve forgotten. Charlie tells her that, since Jacob is busy, Bella ought to try some of her other friends since they’re probably feeling a bit ignored, what with Bella spending every waking second with Jake.

“I smiled and nodded as if I cared what my other friends thought.”

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This stupid twat doesn’t deserve friends. I seriously hate her more than Nazis right now. But wait, there’s more. And it’s even worse.

“I wasn’t going to call Jessica. As far as I could tell, Jessica had crossed over to the dark side.”

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You know what I’m going to do here? I’m going to dust off a word I generally don’t use in mixed company because some people are very offended by it. But I feel like it’s warranted in this instance. Bella Swan, you are a cunt. Jessica is your best friend (pre-Jacob, anyway). She hasn’t gone over to the dark side, she’s just tired of dealing with your shit and being mistreated by you. She isn’t talking to you because you’re an asshole. ALL THE TIME. Gone to the dark side? You’ve got a massive pair on you. Fuck you, you stupid cow.

I really need to talk about this for a minute. The way Bella treats her “friends” really upsets me. Anyone who knows me well knows that I cherish my friends. My friendships are among the most valuable things in the world to me. I get so angry every time Bella interacts with these people and has the gall to call them her friends. She’s awful to them. She lies to them, manipulates them, only gives them the time of day when it suits her needs in the moment. She is an awful friend. She doesn’t value or respect them at all. They serve a purpose for her, that’s all. They are tools that she takes out to use and then puts back in their drawers until the next time she has use of them. It’s disgusting. And what worse is that Meyer has done nothing to cast this behavior in any kind of negative light. Not once. So either she’s so completely stupid that she doesn’t realize that Bella is an asshole to her friends or Meyer genuinely believes that Bella is in the right and it’s everyone else with the problem. All I know is that I hate these parts because I would never treat my friends the way Bella treats hers. I grew up never having friends, so once I finally acquired them, I held tight to them. And it breaks my heart when a friendship doesn’t work out. But Bella seems as though she literally couldn’t care less. If all of her friends abandoned her, she wouldn’t really be all that bothered. I think she’d be more annoyed than anything. Ugh. I really hate this bitch.

Bella decides to go hiking in search of the meadow alone, ignoring her father’s request that she stay out of the woods because of recent bear *coughwerewolfcough* sightings in the area. She figures she’ll at least narrow the search area for when Jacob is able to hang out with her again. If he ever hangs out with her again. Yeah, she’s doing that thing again.

“I refused to think about how long that might be. Or if it was going to be never.”

Yet again, Bella flies to the most extreme conclusion she possibly can. She hasn’t seen Jacob in one week. One. And the last thing he did was pour his heart out to her and tell her how much he liked her and how he’d always be there for her. Naturally, because he was out with other friends this one time, it meant he might never want to see her ever again. How many times can I say GET A FUCKING GRIP before the words somehow make it into the text and Bella actually hears them? She’s just so goddamn clingy and pathetic. She always goes straight to, “We’re never going to see each other again.” Every time. She did this same thing with Edward. God, I just hate her so much.

As she hikes through the woods, that ever-present hole in her chest is back and she spends a good deal of time complaining about it and talking about how she has to hold herself to keep from splitting apart or some shit. Honestly, who enjoys reading about this crap? I mean, really? I’m asking a real question here. Who enjoys reading about a character who is constantly whining about a metaphorical hole in her chest and how much it hurts half a year after getting dumped like a bad burrito? Is this something that people gain something from? Because me, I find it annoying, obnoxious, irritating, and very, very tiring. But most of all, I JUST DON’T CARE. I could sympathize if this were within the first month, maybe even two. But it’s been like SIX. And she hasn’t improved AT ALL.

Somehow, she manages to find the meadow and we get a spectacularly bad bit of prose from Stephenie Meyer.

“It was as perfectly round as if someone had intentionally created the flawless circle, tearing out the trees but leaving no evidence of that violence in the waving grass.”

Honestly, this line is so bad that I can’t even properly make fun of it. I can’t. The words just will not come to me. I think it more or less speaks for itself, don’t you?

If you recall, Bella had sought out the meadow in the hopes that it would trigger another hallucination and she could hear her perfect, velvety Edward again. In fact, it sort of had the opposite effect. It depressed the shit out of her.

“At least I’d come alone. I felt a rush of thankfulness as I realized that. If I’d discovered the meadow with Jacob…well, there was no way I could have disguised the abyss I was plunging into now. How could I have explained the way I was fracturing into pieces, the way I had to curl into a ball to keep the empty hole from tearing me apart? It was so much better that I didn’t have an audience.”

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Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Gimme a fucking break, Bella. Just…ugh. I hate you. I hate you so much. You and your absurd overreactions and melodramatic emotions and constant end-of-the-world attitude towards everything. I’m just sick of it.

Suddenly, someone steps into the clearing and Bella recognizes them. It’s…Laurent. If you’ll recall, Laurent was the vampire who chose to flee rather than help the Cullens fight Victoria and James. Supposedly, he went up to Alaska to become a veggie vampire. Well, that didn’t stick. He’s back with Victoria and feeding again. And Victoria is intent upon killing Bella slowly and painfully. Honestly, I’m completely on board. Sign me up for that show. Laurent tells Bella that he’s going to kill her, though. Wah wah wah. I guess he’s hungry and doesn’t give a shit if it pisses Victoria off. See, Victoria wants to kill Bella because Edward killed her mate, James. Tit for tat sort of situation. Needless to say, nothing of the sort is going to happen. I’ve honestly given up feeling any sort of tension for any of these characters because Meyer is a lazy writer. She always has convenient fixes up her sleeve. At this point, I predicted that Bella would be saved at the last possible second by Jacob in wolf form. Or at the very least a wolf. I was not disappointed.

Just as Laurent is stepping towards Bella, promising to give her a quick and painless death (while uttering some supremely, spectacularly bad villain dialog), a werewolf steps into the clearing. If you’ve read the series or have seen the films, you know that the werewolves in Twilight are my least favorite kind, which is to say, they’re just wolves. In this case, they’re wolves the size of horses, but still just ordinary wolves in physical appearance. I’ve always hated those werewolves. I like monster wolves. I like big, scary, anthropomorphized wolfmen. But I guess that was asking too much for a series with vampires that don’t even have fangs.

After the wolf steps into the clearing, a whole pack follows suit and Laurent gets the fuck out of Dodge. Bella and one of the wolves share eye contact for a second (and because Meyer didn’t think she’d been heavy-handed enough with the spoilers for her own book, she has Bella instantly think of Jacob at that moment) before the whole pack takes off after the vampire. Then Bella spends an appreciable amount of time wondering not what the fuck a pack of horse-sized wolves were doing in the woods, but how they would have any hope against a vampire. Seriously. She was not remotely close to the level of freaked out she should have been having seen a whole pack of wolves the size of fucking horses.

She gets home, tells Charlie all about it, then goes to bed and is so traumatized that she has to literally stick her fist in her mouth to keep from screaming herself to sleep. I really hate this broad.

Okay, wrap-up time. This review currently sits at seventeen pages and over 5500 words, quite a bit longer than any of my other reviews. These chapters were magical in that they somehow proved to be even worse than the chapters before them. I don’t know how Meyer does it, but she does. I suppose one could argue that it takes skill to do something as bad as she does this. I’m not really gonna touch on any one topic because I feel I gave everything appropriate coverage in the review. Suffice it to say, nothing about this series is getting better and I only expect things to continue getting worse. I really hate this book.

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